


Who Am I Kidding

by angelindisguise



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, POV First Person, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-22
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-26 11:31:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/650074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelindisguise/pseuds/angelindisguise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall falls into a pit of nothingness and reminisces about Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Am I Kidding

I feel so lost, I don’t even know what I’m doing, emptiness just swirling inside my head. I feel like I’m depressed. Is this what depression is? When you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, because that’s what I feel right now and I don’t even know why. 

I mean I have a job interview tomorrow, ‘A plus’ on my behalf because I’ve needed a job so I can support myself, and it was at a retail store. Bonus. I’m not doing too badly at Uni either.

What is this feeling? I constantly desire something, some kind of hunger.

My stomach grumbles and I snort, not that kind of hunger but I am quite hungry. I feel like the amount of food I eat can feed a whole village.

I click open my movies folder, I scroll through it but there’s really nothing I want to watch. I listen to the howling winds outside and I think that maybe I should go outside and just stand there; maybe I might feel something other than this nothingness that continues to pollute my head.

I open up my facebook, but there’s no one I wanted to talk to, or have anything to say even. I’m just so lost, I feel so alone yet I can hear my brother and his wife in the living room laughing at whatever was on tv.

Maybe that’s what I’m missing, someone to laugh with and have tickle fights with. Someone to cuddle under a blanket with, watch cute romantic movies and sharing popcorn till our mouths dry up from the salt and then moisten it up with a sweet passionate kiss.

This is crazy! I feel like I’m going insane! I want to do something! Anything! But I have no idea what? I lie down and stare blankly at the ceiling, mind wandering but not sticking to anything in particular.

Maybe I should have a shower but to be honest I really can’t be assed.

This is ridiculous, I really want to cry but I don’t at the same time.

Just too many emotions drifting inside my head. Or maybe lack off? I’m really not sure.

My mind goes back to wanting someone, someone to talk to till the late night hours, someone to confide in and know for sure they would keep your most intimate secrets. Someone you can pour your heart and soul and they wouldn’t judge you. I need that someone, but two people pop into my head and suddenly I’m not so sure who I want.

But that’s beside the point because I know the first person, let’s call them ‘A’. (But why? Ugh I’m frickin nuts ok. Her real name is Madison.)

A, doesn’t even want anything romantic to do with me after I broke her heart into a million tiny pieces. And the stupidest part is I don’t even know why. (Is stupidest even a word?) Why did I have to be such an idiot and mess things up when things were going perfectly well. Why did I let her go?

Her face invades my mind, long luscious blonde hair, always soft to the touch. Her cute little white face sprinkled with freckles, the way she smiles her cheeks bunch up and then when she grins she shows of her white rows of teeth, a noticeable gap in her two front ones, an imperfection that makes her perfect.

I always ponder why I did what I did but I never really came up with an answer. Maybe I was just young and stupid and reckless and impulsive. And now I don’t have her, which honest to god sucks so much ass right now because if I never tore her chest open and smashed her beautiful heart I know that I won’t be feeling this way. But maybe it was for the best? That’s what I keep telling myself.

Although she’s still a big part of my life, I wish that we were more than just best friends, more than just laughs and friendly hugs, watching movies at the cinema but never at each other’s houses like we used to. Sometimes I wish that I never did what I did and that everything was perfect.

But alas life does not work that way and I have to move on. Maybe someday. Maybe never. Who really knows? I certainly don’t.

I walk over to the toilet to grab a piece of tissue to wipe the puss and blood that oozed from the pimple that I popped earlier due to boredom. I look at the blood smear and well I think I really want to die, but I know it's just a fleeting thought, one that I’ve thought of many times but never really took action because I knew that it was selfish and that I would hurt more than just myself but everyone else who cares for me.

I look at the mirror, man I’m fat. But really I’m not. I lift my shirt and I don’t see a food baby at all even though I eat so much all the time, must be my incredible metabolism, thanks mum and dad.

I think I have abs? Maybe it’s just because I’m skinny, my ribs jut out, almost disgustingly, looking to be on the verge of anorexia.

Damn I’m so white, stupid skin won’t tan. Wish I could instead of looking like I’m a vampire from Twilight. (Although being a vampire wouldn’t be so bad.)

I look closer; I ruffle my blonde locks and wonder if I should keep dying it. I wonder if anyone actually likes it.

Then I stare into my eyes, I’m so in love with my eyes. If my eyes were a person I would totally just marry them, and there are two! Winning!

How vain of me to say this but they are just beautiful, like diamonds with specks of gold around the pupil, what a masterpiece. I smile to myself, give myself a thumbs up.

Wow really? Did I really just give myself a thumbs up and a big cheesy smile because I have nice eyes.

And then I think of A’s eyes and how they are just as beautiful, a nice shade of green? I can’t simply just say green because that would be an insult. It was like forest green, chuck in some mint green too with a hint of phthalo green, and then spots of orange littered around. Oh how I wish I can stare into those eyes like I used to.

I lie down again, maybe listen to some music. I struggle to untangle the ear phones but finally manage to plug it into my iPod.

Ed Sheeran comes on and I let out a heavy sigh, why does his music have to be so perfect. The lyrics filled with cracks and crevices where all the hidden meanings lie. The melody, some up-beat but not enough to make you dance around, maybe just nod your head and then some so soothing yet painfully sad, my heart scrunching up from all the feelings that resounded from every pluck of the guitar.

It’s just so beautiful and I think maybe this isn’t a good idea to listen as my stomach does anxious flips over and over again. But stubborn as usual I keep listening, it enticed me, sucking me in and there isn’t much I could do about it.

Then it reminds of, let’s call this person ‘B’ (my insaneness is showing I can feel it, B equals Harry), and I don’t really know how I feel about B. He was weird, well not weird weird but weird for me because I always wonder how he feels about me.

We’ve been friends since high school (so that makes it five years now?) and I remember when we first met and I really didn’t like him. Look how that’s turned out, I scoff. I think I lo- I don’t even want to finish that train of thought because we’ve only ever had a physical relationship.

But I do love his face, his eyes, his curls, his body, definitely drool worthy.

I remember the first time we hooked up was in the trunk of a car, as cliché as that sounds, many years ago.

-

_My head felt all fuzzy from the alcohol that I consumed and I felt hands shoving me lightly, and someone telling me that I have to get into the boot if I wanted a ride. I saw that he had hopped in and without another thought I stumbled in too._

Maybe I knew that something was going to happen. Maybe I wanted something to happen. Sigh.

_The boot closed shut and it was pitch dark, and I had a minor breakdown but then he said a few soothing words which kinda helped.  I felt his hot breath tickle mine and I could smell the alcohol that came with it and it smelled good, so, so good. I could feel it dancing on my skin compelling me without me knowing it._

_There we were pitch black in the boot of the car, my head getting closer and I was pretty sure his was too because then I could feel his short stubble prickle my skin. I missed his mouth the first time and I restrained a chuckle as to not ruin the mood. We got it the second time, his chapped lips against mine. I don’t know if it was magical or not but I certainly liked it._   _I always knew I was a little bit curious_.

Now that I think about it, he’s the second person I’ve kissed and certainly the first boy.

_It felt good, his lips moving in sync with mine and then there were tongues and that was when it got sloppy, but good sloppy. Then my hands trailed downwards palming his crotch and then his hands were doing the same and I felt so damn horny._

_But the car halted and immediately we stopped breaking apart mutually, fear passed through me, fear of getting caught but it was all irrational because obviously the trunk hadn’t been opened yet._

_Maybe it was just the realization of what we were doing; I mean he was definitely kissing me back, so it can’t have been one sided. I wondered what he was thinking._

-

I think I’d take that memory to my grave because well, it was a first and it wasn’t the last, just the beginning of something confusing.

I let out a big heavy sigh. Why was he so appealing? Was it his damn dimples that appear whenever he smiles, or the way his long slender fingers ruffle up his brown curly locks, maybe it’s the way his torso seems to go forever, smooth and every muscle defined?

D - all of the above. Just everything about him excites me in a way.

I’m trying to think the next time we hooked up, a year later? I don’t even know right now as the song changes and quickly replacing that memory with a new one a much more recent one. The first time we had sex.

And all I can say is.. It was terrible with a capital T.

-

_We were at a rented house, one me and a group of friends booked for our road trip. It was nice and there was plenty of space. Everyone hurriedly picked rooms; I ended up bottom bunk whilst my best friend went top bunk._

_The first night was uneventful as we just had some casual drinks and good laughs until we retired to our respective beds._

_The next night was, let’s say better, I was way more drunk and my best friend decided to sleep at a different bed, person A’s bed to be exact but that didn’t really bother me because guess who knocked at my door, B. And his breath was hot and heavy and alcohol induced just like the first time._

Somehow alcohol is always involved but I don’t really mind.

_He came in and shut the door with his foot and pulled me in for a hot sticky kiss, tongues and all but it was like he was trying to eat my face off. I could feel his stubble prickling me again, and it felt nice, comfortable. Then he pushed me onto the bed carefully so I didn’t bump my brains out on the metal that held the top bunk._

_He lay on top of me and I could feel his long chiselled torso press against me, relishing in his warmth. I didn’t realise my pants were already off and that his was too because all there was left was his bare leg rubbing up against mine._

_I was unbelievably hard and so was he as I could feel it through the thin fabric of his boxers. I had a vague idea of where I wanted this to go so I switched our positions. I straddled him, sitting up slightly as I gently rubbed my ass cheeks on his hard on, and boy did he moan. I took that as a sign and went down on him, dragging off his boxers and placing his hard penis in my mouth. I don’t know what made me do this but it almost felt natural._

_It wasn’t huge but it wasn’t small, it was a good size, decent, manageable. I took it all in my mouth, letting my throat muscles open up and he groaned and scrunched my hair up in pleasure._

_I could feel myself gagging and I quickly went up for air. He cupped my cheeks and pulled me up for a kiss, despite the fact I just went down on him._

_I don’t know if I regretted asking if he wanted to fuck me because to be honest I didn’t really mind, my curiosity got the better of me and I was just so damn horny and a little bit intoxicated. The curtain was slightly open and a splash of moonlight trickled in and I could see him grin widely, dimples and all, before murmuring a yes._

_I told him that this is my first time and he said he would be gentle, la-di-da all that crap that I had heard so many times in the movies. We kept our position, me on top and him on the bottom. He slid on the condom and I gave one last kiss before I groped his penis and guided it towards my opening._

_I went up and down and pretended to moan, because frankly I didn’t feel satisfied._

Was it weird that I didn't really feel anything? Because I'm pretty sure I didn't, maybe it was just the alcohol.

_The bed creaked and moaned with every thrust down and he was scared that we would wake someone up and of course that would’ve been quite awkward because well we didn’t really want to tell anyone, just our own little secret, something that bonded us together._

_He got up and I lay on my back and brought my legs up in the air, he inserted his penis inside once again and I felt that there was something wrong because I honestly didn’t feel him and I felt a wave of guilt because he wasn’t pleasuring me, and I wondered how he would react if he knew what I was thinking. But I kept up my façade, which was quite easy, moaning and saying his name with heavy breaths until he came, the white liquid filling up the tip of the condom._

_There was an awkward silence afterwards and we just kinda stared into each other’s eyes in the faint light, his emerald orbs locked onto mine until I said, “its ohk you can go back to your bed, I don’t want to rouse suspicion in the morning.”_

_He was unsure but shrugged his shoulders slightly and he turned to leave and I pulled on my underwear and pyjama pants.  
“Niall,” he said, in a deep low whisper and I turned, his hand cupped my face and gave me a soft kiss which left me dazed because I had no idea what that meant, and what that meant in our relationship. If we could even call it one._

-

The music stopped and I must’ve hit pause accidentally when I rolled over turning to my side.

His eyes pierce my thoughts; they weren’t like A’s although they were both green. His are darker, more mysterious looking but all the same beautiful.

My throat feels parched and I get up to get water, sighing inwardly as I watch my brother frolic about with his wife, giggling uncontrollably.

Then I think if I have ever had a non-drunk encounter with B and I almost said no. I smack my forehead softly for forgetting the best and latest memory I had with him.

-

_We were texting and that was rare because really we didn’t really have much to talk about or he would be weird and just cut the conversation short which really annoyed me._

_[11:02 pm]  
Me: Movie? Lol :p_

**_[11:04 pm]  
B: Lol nah sleeping soz_ **

_[11:06 pm]  
Me: Lol ohk_

**_[11:34 pm]  
B: Slash I can’t sleep lol. I know I’ve forgotten to pack something_ **

_[11:37 pm]  
Me: Me!_

**_[11:38 pm]  
B: Lol_ **

_[11:42 pm]  
Me: Sooo. . ._

**_[11:44 pm]  
B: What?_ **

_[11:45 pm]  
Me: That movie.._

**_[11:46 pm]  
B: But do you have a car?_ **

_[11:47 pm]  
Me: Yes lol. But I am not doing it in the car._

**_[11:49 pm]  
B: Well where else_ **

_[11:50 pm]  
Me:In your room?_

**_[11:51 pm]  
B: Na its way too dodgy_ **

_[11:52 pm]  
Me: I don’t know if im that desperate to do it in the car.. So not classy_

**_[11:53 pm]  
B: Yeah I know. Your room?_ **

_[11:54 pm]  
Me: Well your going to have to be really quiet._

**_[11:57 pm]  
B: Maybe just flag. Too hard._ **

_[11:59 pm]_  
Me: Yeah -_-  
I’m hard ;)

**_[12:00 am]  
B: Lol same, I have to wank it off_ **

_[12:01 am]  
Me: Ugh! Car? Lololol noo! Maybe.._

**_[12:02 am]  
B: Haha up to you_ **

_[12:04 am]  
Me: You are leaving… Be rude not to.. But still_

**_[12:04 am]  
B: Decide soon_ **

_[12:05 am]  
Me: I’ll be there soon. One time only_

**_[12:06 am]  
B: So your coming? Bring a condom._ **

_[12:10 am]_  
Me: Yes.. What does ill be there soon mean?? Lol  
Can’t believe I’m doing this. Better be good

****_[12:11 am]  
B: EW  
its not too late_

_[12:17 am]  
Me: Cant be fucked turning back_

_He opened the car door, gave me a cheeky wink and I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. I parked the car at an empty car park close by and well, I was just so frickin horny. I hurriedly climbed on top of him and pulled the lever so the seat would decline backwards._

_I was inches from his face and we just stared at each other, having a conversation with our minds. I hesitated for a second longer and closed my eyes as I inched my way closer to his awaiting lips._

_I felt his stubble prickle me again, and I swore that it was permanently there but it was nice, reminded me of all the other times._

_The kissing was really fucking good. I mean I had never kissed him like this before, there was no rush and it was slow and sensual unlike our previous encounters. And I had pulled away because it was just so.. unfamiliar? Strange?  He gave me a look of confusion; I mumbled ‘nothing’ and resumed kissing him, appreciating the soft delicate way his lips moved with mine, entangling my hands in his soft curly hair._

_I shimmied off my pants, not forgetting to put something easy on, as slutty as that sounded. But there was no judgement in this car, just intense passion, and maybe love? ‘Ha! What a joke’ I thought._

_Soon our clothes were haphazardly tossed away all over the car, a shirt hanging from the rear view mirror, a pile under our feet._

_Our bare torsos touched and electricity coursed through us igniting our hunger for each other further and further till I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted him inside me so badly._

_I pulled the condom out and tore the wrapper rapidly, pulling out two packets, one with the actual condom and one with the lube, a nice bonus._

_I slid on the condom on his very erect penis and squeezed some lube on it._

_I asked him if he was ready, a sly grin etched on my face._

_He kissed me softly and murmured a yes on my lips._

_I descended down on his hard member and I actually felt something this time._

_Pain. And lots of it._

_It hurt like a mother fucker; I was just really, really tight. So I tried to relax and try again, this time only a little pain as it went in and holy hell did it feel good. Who knew pain and pleasure went hand in hand._

_It was just so much pleasure in one moment and I couldn’t help but moan in ecstasy earning myself a light chuckle and a seductive kiss on the neck._

_I felt myself loosen up, so I increased my pace, riding his cock to infinity and beyond, loud hungry moans escaped my parted lips, feeling absolute bliss._

_He too was moaning and we fed off each other, he would thrust up and I would thrust down, feeling every inch of him inside me causing me to scream out ‘harder’ every time._

_God dammit it felt so fucking good and I wondered why it wasn’t like this the first time and why did he fucking have to leave for university at another city the next day._

_I took out my new found anger on him and rode his dick harder and harder until he yelled out he was about to come and I could feel myself on the verge too so I started stroking myself and continue to ride him._

_One final thrust and I spilled my warm white liquid on his chest as I could feel his penis deep inside me, throbbing as he did the same._

_He gave me a quick peck on the lips before getting cleaned up, grabbing tissues from the back and wiping off the liquid before discarding it outside._

_I parked back outside his house, “well I guess I’ll see you..”  
“Yeah I’ll see you,” he said and then he did what he did back at the rented house, he said my name, cupped my chin and kissed me softly on the lips,  not just once but twice. He pulled back and then stared at me for a second or two and went back in capturing me in a much longer kiss sending chills all down my spine._

_He left me once again in a complete daze, leaving me to drive home wondering what it all meant but to be honest I had a feeling that he was just using me, and somehow it didn’t affect me as much as I thought. Maybe I was using him too.._

-

That fucker, I bet he knows that he has that kind of effect on me. I let out a tiny groan of frustration, my shoulders slumping forwards.

I made my way back to my room after stashing the glass that was once full of water into the dishwasher, scuffling quickly, hiding the raging boner that came on while I remembered that glorious night.

I plug my earphones back in and resumed playing Ed.

Now I’m back to square one, not knowing what to do. What was the point of all this remembering, reminiscing. Gosh I’m so stupid. And why was the majority of it B? Ugh he’s driving me crazy.

Maybe it’s just because exams are coming up soon and I’m just over thinking things. I sigh as I remember that I need to do a worksheet for tomorrow. Oh well.

I rest my head on the pillow once again, closing my eyes and falling asleep feeling more tired than I was before.

Somewhere deep down I longed for person A to come back to me but I know she’s moved on, and then there’s person B, who I may have a shot with but really unsure, who knows, maybe when he comes back we can do more than just have meaningless sex.

Maybe cuddle up under a blanket and watch cute romantic movies, even hold hands if I’m lucky. Maybe he might actually text me and hold a proper conversation.

HA! Who am I kidding?

 


End file.
